The heart race

It's about a week before an important audition I have. I just recently competed in a local singing competition...aside from the tremendous amounts of adrenaline pumping through my veins and countless moments of doubt that invade my mind, I feel like I gained alot and am better prepared for this upcoming week!

This week, little things have been popping out at me: sights, what people say, songs, dances, quotes. It's as if suddenly you were in danger and every sense you have is on high alert and you notice everything. This is how it's been for me this past week...not the "in danger" part but the high sense alert to everything. Maybe it's my anxiousness for the next week...my own audition as well as my voice students. It's alot in one week but I feel well prepared for this. I believe the one thing I have been encouraging my students is: to be themselves. I tell them that they have a responsibility to give the music something special/different. Mainly that means being themselves not a copy cat of others...yes it's very gushy and prime PBS commercial material but crazy enough, it's true!

Even crazier, I believe this is the one goal I need to focus on for myself. Most of the time, I stand in the background. I feel as if I am being arrogant if I step up to the spotlight and sing something. I am not sure why I feel this way but I always have.

She quietly opens the door into the sanctuary. It's dark but pools of light seep through the stained glass windows on the sides. The ceiling is tall and no one is present. Darkness still hovers over the sanctuary as if it is asleep. She steps ever so lightly into the area nearing the pulpit feeling as if someone will catch her at any moment. She wasn't even sure what she would say. It's so quiet. She tried to breathe even quieter. For about 5 minutes she stood there contemplating...

"Alright I could sing for alittle bit. What if someone hears? Wouldn't that be the strangest thing? Wouldn't it be silly? How ridiculous would I look? Who does this? I mean, I must seem like a creepy person hanging out in the sanctuary. Goodness it's about 10 minutes now that I am still lost in though and the longer I wait to utter any sound, the more likely someone is going to pop through those doors. What do I sing? How loud?

Maybe just a little sound...*singing* I shocked myself. That was my voice and what if someone heard. I can't believe that was just me. Nothing else. That felt weird. I did kind of like it...however, I almost scared myself. Then I sang some more. Oh Casie just give it up and sing. So I stood there and sang for a little bit. Who does this I wonder? Who would do this? Am I crazy for doing this? Why am I still so hesitant?

Places we go to find sacredness, happiness, peace...how willing are we to expose them to others? I think that place I go to when I sing or make music is one of those places for me. It's a beautiful space that gives shape and meaning to the emotions and joy I feel. My heart races every time I go there but then again, that's where true life happens...something real, honest, spiritual, heartbreaking, painful, hopeful...that's where I begin.

Love,
C

PS Picture taken from: Stained glass at Vatican in Rome, Italy, St Peters Cathedral

Only you

I’ve always loved trees. They’re wonderful for climbing, resting, and/or napping in a hammock on a blissful Sunday afternoon.

“Mom, how tall can a tree grow?”
“It can grow for a long time,” she responded.
The child pondered a bit more…”Really? A tree can grow forever?”
"I suppose, dear." she replied.

“As it ages, the roots start to bury deeper into the ground.” She continued.
“Well I guess you have to water it a lot then?” questioned the child.

“No, the roots settle deep enough to gather it’s own supply of water in the ground…in fact, it’s when it is begins growing that you have to water it often because the roots are not deep enough to gather their own supply.” she answered.

It’s interesting how trees grow and keep growing…in fact you never know when it stops until years and years later when you can check out the rings on it or however they discover tree age. It remains such a mystery.

Where do they draw their supply from?
What about us?
What about our supply source?

My voice student talked about her recent epiphany about running track again. It had been her passion for so long. She took a year off because everyone kept pressuring her to pursue it professionally. They kept predicting her life for her and telling her that she was wasting her talents with quitting.

You know, I feel this is the same for faith. A constant pressuring of “you’re wasting your time falling out like this, you’re wrong and I’m right, if only you believed this then your life would be better, why don’t you understand, this is a serious mistake you are making.” See these things don’t communicate an understanding whatsoever. Similar to my student’s reaction to people’s responses to her decision in regards to quitting track, the human heart completely shuts off to such thoughts.

After a year, she had time to think over it, thoughts of running had been on her mind for a long time and she made the decision to do track again...on her own. She did realize however that a year off set her back physically but it did not set her passion back at all. In fact, it increased it. Her heart and mind are straight on the path again. Plain and simple, she wants it.

I couldn’t help but think about faith in terms like this. It starts as a want, a desire. Not the actions, people telling you what to do, the script of going to religious services and being super involved, doing the “right” thing…it’s easy to miss this point.

It’s a heart/mind desire and I believe this to be one of the greatest things God’s given man—the ability to have such passions and be moved by them where it affects you entire life, your actions, your outlook.

Have you thought much about your passion lately?
Your source?
Your supply?

Are one of those trees still growing or in desperate need to water supply? No one knows if you are still growing or not…only you do. Think about it.

Still growing,
C

P.S. Picture from Sulis

On my way

Dear friends,
I wonder what it'd be like to watch a movie that portrayed the common place things we do everyday...
the routines, the same parking space our cars occupy, the same faces, the same sayings and conversations, the embarrassing tripping over our own two feet that we hope no one saw, the Monday mornings...you know so well how it all goes. So much of life is this, the practical everyday things we have to do. Not so interesting is it? What happened to all the tragedy, heartache, drama, Grey's Anatomy soundtrack playing overhead, lovesickness, confusion and of course the final happy resolution (according to American films)?

I have no clue...however I'll tell you about my drive to work this morning...
It's about a 20 minute commute to work on a highway where I first pass lots of shops and a car lot. I spot the cop hiding out in the bushes and feel at ease with my speed limit since I've gotten so used to taking that route my foot naturally rests on 60-62ish. Then I veer left for my route.

Lately, there have been many wildfires about in these areas so I've witnessed lots of blackened terrain. It's sad really. It seems so spoiled and there is absolutely nothing you can do with it. However, on my drive today I noticed just after some rain we've had, splotches of green taking over those areas and it made me smile. How quickly a terribly looking area can become hopeful again.

I'm trekking on and pass exit 7. At this point, there is a slight hill that I pass and I overlook a huge field...I can't even see the end of it. It's golden as ever at this time. I have no idea what it is...I just think wheat or something. Whatever the case, it's an impeccable sight and every time I come near this exit I forget what troublesome thoughts are on my mind and just gaze.

I drive on and then eventually come to my exit and then work.

It's not the most exiting blockbuster filled adventure ever I'll admit, but that's life...you know, the everyday kinds of things. Regardless of any circumstance, always look around and gaze for a second. You'll laugh and forget the thought and then something else common will happen, you'll laugh and forget the thought once more and everyday begins again and again.

<3
C

Face value

Maria: I can't seem to stop singing wherever I am. And what's worse, I can't seem to stop saying things - anything and everything I think and feel.
Mother Abbess: Some people would call that honesty.
Maria: Oh, but it's terrible, Reverend Mother.

-Sound of Music



"I wished she'd never stop squeezing me. I wished I could spend the rest of my life as a child, being slightly crushed by someone who loved me."

-Ella Enchanted

"It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquillity: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it. Millions are condemned to a stiller doom than mine, and millions are in silent revolt against their lot....Women are supposed to be very calm generally: but women feel just as men feel..."

-Jane Eyre

"Iris: [to Jasper] I don't know, but I think what I've got is something slightly resembling... GUMPTION*!"
*Gumption is defined as shrewd or spirited initiative and resourcefulness.

-The Holiday


<3
C