Gate

"When I am in the consciousness of God,
those whom I love have a mystic value.
They shine, as if a light were glowing in them.
Even those who frown on me and love me not seem part
of a great scheme of good.
(Or else they seem like stray bumble bees buzzing at a window, headed the wrong way, yet seeking light).

So it is when my soul steps through the postern gate into the presence of God.
Big things become small and small things become great.
The near becomes far and the future is near.
The lowly and despised is shot through with glory,
and most of human power and greatness seem as full of infernal iniquities
as a carcass is full of maggots.

God is the substance of all revolutions;
When I am in him; I am in the Kingdom of God and the Fatherland of my Soul.
Is it strange that I love God?

-Walter Raushenbush, The Little Gate to God

Nothing at all

It's like staring at a gift right in front of my eyes and not being able to feel joy. I don't like what I see, I don't like what is happening.

What is happening?

I abhor this part of me and that's the scariest thing I've ever admitted.
How do I get rid of this terrible monster that placed its tentacles in every inch, in every part of my being?

Remove it fast!

Will there be anything left? Any good? Change? Newness? An entirely different world? I'm frightened but I'd rather feel frightened than nothing at all.

Finally feels like home

Coming home to a new home.

I always carry stuff. Lots of stuff. Bags, purses, water bottles, books, journals, first aid kit. You name it. The other day I was driving with one of my friends and as we got out of the car. I started to gather all my things.

"I carry way too much don't I?" I asked.
"Yes you do." she replied.
"I think this might be metaphorical." I continued.
"You think? Well, I'm helping you lighten your load."

I was amazed, touched and blessed. God provides. We aren't supposed to go through this life alone.

Peace,
Casie

Frazzled

After a very frazzled week, I am now set to record some music with a friend. We are collaborating on a short film. I must admit, I felt very anxious for the project. I like to have my ducks in row and with this project and many that I've been part of lately, I am met with many unexpected variables.

It's been exciting and I'm learning that creative drive thrives on unexpected moments. It's time when those parts of your brain and heart have a chance to play. I've forgotten that. I've underestimated that. I've doubted that and it's time I stop that. As I type this, I almost sound like a crazy person as if there are multiple beings in my head! ha! Crazy or not, it's creativity for me and I feel better because of it.

Peace,
C

Break ups

And everyone they have a heart,
and when they break and fall apart
and need somebody's helping hand.

I used to say just let 'em fall,
It wouldn't bother me at all
I couldn't help them, now I can. 

-Avett Brothers, 'Shame'

To be little again.

The trees are taller than me,
the buildings almost touch the sky
my love builds off the flowers I pick and give to others.

The sky is larger than my eyes can see,
I wish I could follow it to its end,
my hands can scoop up so much sand,
until it falls out on the ground again.

I see a little bird but I don't see it's mommy,
I try to feed it but my mom told me to leave it.
We don't have enough time,
and I can't tell time yet anyways.

My little head carries a great big world,
with great brave people with great big hearts.
Fear cannot be found anywhere,
there aren't any dark corners to store it.

Chapter books still intimidate me,
not because they are full of many words,
but because full of many characters with unpredictable endings.
Adults say it's complicated.

When thunder storms come rolling in,
I feel the sky might fall down.
So I pack my bags and plan where we might move on next,
because we live forever don't we?

Closing chapter

On Wednesday nights, I play at a church full of bright spirited elderly folk. They cheer me up on any given day. Tonight was my last night to play for their service and it was most touching.

I performed a song I sang for them the first time we met. All I could do was give them my deepest gratitude during my performance. It's really what any musician is supposed to do. Music is about giving and sharing part of who we are. When it's sincere, it's truly special and moving.

I was most touched by their graciousness and genuine spirits. It was a place for me to feel refreshed by the lives these people are living.

Closing a chapter here and ready to open up a new one. Life is bittersweet isn't it?

Peace,
Casie

Stay

She keeps singing the same songs,
Her heart's been caged up for so long.
He keeps coming around,
and she loves the way he laughs and looks at the clouds.

Why are you scared?
You made your bed right there.
So stay, won't you stay as long as you can?

Smoke is rising up ahead,
but they keep walking hand in hand.


Why are you scared?
You made your bed right there.
So stay, won't you stay as long as you can?

As long as you can,
as long as you can,
as long as you can,
so stay, won't you stay as long as you can.

<3
C

Pass it on

I was visiting a lovely family.

We were sitting at their dinner table together.

At the dinner table were 4 different generations of culture. 

3rd generation Japanese

4th generation Japanese

5th generation Japenese 

then there was me, 2nd generation Vietnamese. 

It was the most interesting and eye opening experience for me. I was always worried that for some reason my children would be a watered down version of myself in terms of cultural ties. One of the main questions I asked myself in college was how will I raise my kid as a Vietnamese American? How do I maintain the culture? What if I don't do it well? What exactly do I have to teach/show them for them to be truly Vietnamese? I don't want them to be just American kids! I was truly vexed by these questions!

As we were at the dinner table together with this family of many generations passed down, I started to realize there was a type of culture that has been maintained and developed over the course of generations. Granted it does look a bit different from the first generation culture but it's still very unique and lovely in itself. My professor once told me, "Love everything for what it is and what it isn't". Everything has something lovely in it...2nd, 3rd, 4th generation cultures. They bear unique marks. For example, for me and my future children, we will bear unique marks of our culture. The best I can do is take what I value from my upbringing/cultures and pass it on. 

<3

C

Courage Part 2

I'm continuing my courage blog from yesterday. I have been writing some more songs lately for therapeutic reasons more than anything. One thing I realized as I was strumming my dear uke and deciphering various scribbles on my moleskin was how freeing these songs were to me and any songs I listen to for that matter.

Though I believe I have a long ways to go in songwriting, one thing I believe good songs to be are acts of great courage...if written/performed for the right reasons, frees yourself or someone else. It's as if the songs are like a friend who lend you a hand as you walk through whatever emotion/state of existence you are in. I think as songwriters, we get the opportunity to explore places that most people don't want to go to or don't think about going to...and I know this sounds fluffy but places of fear, worry, losing faith, love, loss, death, anger, sadness. These vital places that give life.

We explore them, write about them, perform them and invites others to join us. I believe this to be a great act of courage.

Night,
C

Cigarettes

Cigarettes by Noah Gundersen

You remind me of cigarettes,
The way I hold you in my chest,
The way you kiss me with your filter breath,
And I keep thinking I'm getting over this.

Chorus:
Once you had me, you don't have me anymore,
I don't crave you in the morning, or at the company store,
I don't use you to escape, in my fingers out the door,
Once you had me, you don't have me anymore.

But honey you're smooooooooooth (x4)

You don't make me coooool,
And I can carry on fine without you,
You're a spirit and you can't be beat,
When I'm jonesin(?),  honey I buy cheap.

Yeah but the truth is, that you do,
not the way you used to suck in the poison from the wound
but I buy 'em, and I smoke 'em 
in the nighttime, sure enjoy 'em

Because honey you're smoooooooth.

Thanks Paul. 

<3
C

Courage

There was a quote that I read that went something like courage is facing defeat without losing heart. I thought that to be a beautiful thing. Recently I attended a singing competition with my students. I played piano while they performed a classical song in front of a music professor.

As my students sang their songs, I started to realize just how courageous they are for doing that. They are such brave souls for getting up in front of a stranger and putting themselves out there. It's a very vulnerable spot to stand, put your emotions and heart out there and possibly get absolutely rejected.

They reminded me how important it is to be brave and courageous.

When your world is turned upside down,
not slightly nor subtlety but drastically,
you try to reach inside your head for
context, a word, a thought
that could bring you back to something familiar.

Nothing comes to you,
instead you draw a blank,
then your eyes start to tear up
and that's about as much as you can muster.

Everything is colored in a new light
and you know there is no going back.
You know truly that what was, was then
and this is now, a world turned upside down.

It pains you, strains you and pulls you
into something new.
A strange, scary new context, word, thought
that becomes familiar over time.

Over time and only over time will things get better,
which only means the world must turn again
in some form or fashion,
for a stagnant soul is one that has stopped living.

Peace,
C

Song lyrics

There's just a time when we must all let go the breath that we hold.
There's just a time when we must all let go the breath that we hold.
You know, the unknown we have to let go.

It's just now that I've found a place where I can breathe.
It's just now that I've found a place where I can sleep.

"Xanax" by Maria Taylor

Eventually

Life is funny.
It laughs at you and cries with you.

I know that eventually I'll be able to sleep again.
My eyes will close and it will feel normal.

I know that eventually I'll be hungry again.
My stomach will growl and I'll be satisfied in the moment.

I know that eventually I'll sigh a sigh of relief and not hopelessness.
My lungs will take in air evenly and steadily.

I know that eventually I won't feel as if I am moving 5 mph.
My feet will take off running towards newer paths to be discovered.

Eventually the heart gives way to new things.
New things that will feel normal, satisfy, flow evenly and steadily and open ways for enlightenment.

I know that eventually these things will happen and
when they do, I only hope to look and see something new.

My Mr. Butterfly

Mr. Butterfly, Mr. Butterfly,

ring a bell for me,

stay a while,

while I smile, 

so very happily.

<3

Casie

Hero

To be the hero of our story
is our greatest dream,
to change the face of life's existence,
however big it seems.

I'd make all the right things shine
and the wrongs thing fade.
to be a hero here and there and in between
every minute of every day.

My way as a hero
follows each fervent step,
through many dark corners
I've not reached yet.

The farther I walk,
the more I understand,
being a hero in every part
may not be the best of plans.

Truly this is the hardest battle
faced in the heart of man,
a fight for who the hero is
and when he should take a stand.

There's more to the glamour and amor to wear,
broken pieces, shattered hearts stranded here and there.

I can't stand to look,
it burns my eyes and I can't even start to cry,
I used to wish myself a hero and now I ask myself why?

Why you think you can turn the minds of others
towards your right and wonderful ways,
Maybe not all the things you think in your head should even be
thought or said.

Reservations and patience should be your best friends,
they keep you honest and humble till the bittersweet end.

The farther I walk,
the more I understand,
You can only help,
you cannot change the situations at hand.

<3
Casie

To understand

Yours Truly,

Casie Luong

Hope

If I may muster up the courage,

I'd brush the dust from my scars and stand again,

I can't even begin to recall what normal is,

but I am a slave to it.

Tattered and torn are my sentiments towards war,

yet things must die to become alive,

I whistle with the wind,

wrestling with the silence within.

The pain she holds as life begins to spin,

things must die to grow back again,

she carries on with smiles and hopes for a day,

hoping hard for hope to have its stay.

If I may muster up the courage,

I'd soak up the tears from your eyes and be your guide.

If only I could recall what normal is,

for I am a slave to it.

Striving and searching is my heart on its wayward path,

to find a light, a hope to calm this wrath,

will my thirst be quenched, my soul satisfied?

Would I even know it if it passed me by?

The comfort she holds as she continues to spin,

things must die to live again,

she carries on with smiles and hopes for a day,

hoping hard for hope to makes its stay.

<3

C

check out my latest music video: http://www.youtube.com/user/casieluong?feature=mhee

When I close my eyes

I close my eyes and see the stars,

they are as near as can be,

teary-eyed by the sparkling streams,

beaming holocene.

Brighter than anything I could ever repeat,

though my words can be quicker than my feet.

I close my eyes and see the stars,

bear witness to these dreams,

dreams so surreal I want to peel and drape

them all on my sleeve.

All those smells of citrus leaves bursting with life,

when I close my eyes and see the stars,

I'm reminded of above--

the far, uncertain, unreachable rose.

I close my eyes and see the stars,

impossible is near yet so very far.

I need not a hand to reach with but a heart.

As my desire bursts forth for deeper meaning,

my existence shrinks evermore,

all that I dare, or care, or bear to try for,

when I close my eyes and see the stars.

<3

C

Dream a little dream of me cover-LISTEN!

Dream a little dream of me cover

Have heart

I've been amazed at others. I'm always amazed at others and I know that people have their bad days and others do things that are terrible in this world. However, I love people. I love watching and listening to people. More often than not, they reflect similar thoughts, fears and doubts that I have.

I have a friend studying abroad currently and he is starting to realize that the magical powers of being in an foreign country (even with fantastic brewed beer) won't quiet the voices of doubt, frustrations and fear in his head prior to this trip.

"Once I graduate....once I move somewhere else...once I find that one person for me...once I get out of this situation...once I get away from those people...once I grow up." These are the voices that resonant within our minds. Change will happen given a different context. We believe this....more like we are tied to these thoughts like chains.

It's been amazing to reflect on these thoughts. For I too, have contemplated and often questioned my motives for wanting to move to a new city. I must say at first, I wanted to get away in hopes that everything will change, that my problems and frustrations will go away and life will be fresh and green again. These thoughts are child's play and I'm learning to put those kinds of thoughts away. They are lies and false happiness.

I have another friend who is abroad and she is starting to understand what she wants in a romantic relationship. Upon reflecting over her past relationships, she has a better understanding of who she is now; what she wants and doesn't want. Some never get to that point of understanding and then they just stop trying to believe. She wants someone to get her, her deepest fears and human qualities yet still love her.

My friends have arrived at new points of understanding and reflection about themselves. I must say this is best place to start.

I read the other day what "heart" means in the Hebrew language. Heart encompasses the mind, thought, logic, emotion and feeling. It's not just the gushy emotions we rummage through. It's the source of everything and one definition of the pictograph: the heart is a place of "authority within". Life comes from there...how we see, feel, absorb, act, think, communicate, and speak comes from there...the heart, the "authority within".

It's a God given gift to have a heart and do something with it. To know and grasp that so much life is capable from one heart. Like I said, people amaze me and it's a gift to be able to look at life with such wonder and amazement. So no need to continue listening to those terrible, childish voices that say otherwise (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Love,

C

Square 1

We all like moving from point A to point B, progressively making our way towards the end of the alphabet in order to feel like we got somewhere. Productivity and contributing to society right? In the end, we want to have figured out this thing called: life.

You hear a lot about square 1 and starting back at square 1.

Square

4 corners are 90 °

4 equal sides

P=4S

A=s²

You do the formula and it all adds up just fine.

Life

No corners or many corners (depends on how much you hide)

A good and bad side, a maybe side, a good side this time, bad side another time...

P=have you reached the end of the sky yet?

A=the air you breathe in, the thoughts you think, the worries you have, the joys you have, the fears you have, the bed you sleep in, the people you see everyday, the hearts you heal, the hearts you break, plus, the city you live in, plus, state you live in, plus, the continent, plus the places you will live in, plus the day you die and your body fills the earth back up again.

There are certain events that have occurred in my life over the past couple of months. They aren't super dramatic or terrible rather just things that force you to look at the mirror if you are brave enough. If I had the choice to go out for ice cream instead, I'd be debating what flavor I wanted to dig into, oh if only life choices were this sweet? However, these events affected my: relationships-family, platonic and romantic, family, career, outlook on life, and faith. I'd like to think I took all those obstacles, wrestled them to the ground and rose higher with my maturity where I feel I am finally becoming an adult with strands of pearls to show for, along with my big girl shoes that finally feel snug.

Rather, I feel they have exposed my immaturity and I hate to admit it but it would be even more immature of me not to. Just when you think you've got it under your belt, that somehow you have mastered level 1 and are ready to brave the second, something catches your foot and you come tumbling back down.

Once in awhile Sometimes Most times we try to pretend our tumbles don't really matter. We continue on our journey and put on the brave face for the worst to come. Yet inside, the storm already came and ravaged your remains. Sometimes I think we try to simplify life only to make it more complicated. We are all running so hard and fast and we wonder why we feel dizzy at the end of the day.

So, I find myself back to square 1, point A, and level 1...not on my own will, mind you. I would love to say that I gracefully accepted it and glided back to the beginning but I must say it was quite the opposite. Kicking, screaming, cursing involved. Though it still seems odd to me that I compare my life to living in a shape...I suppose I'm just going back to the beginning of my thoughts, my visions, faith, and dreams. Returning back, I'm starting to see: less corners to hide in, more than right and wrong, and that the sky is bigger than me.

I'm not quite sure where everyone else in the world is but that doesn't really matter. I believe one of the greatest thing is being able to go back to the first place with a different lens and restarting again just for yourself. From there stems life and there, we are able to give in a genuine way. Our existence is like a vapor in the wind (James 4:14). 200 years before, no one knew us and 200 years after, probably not either. It's just how it is. However, with this little vapor I have, I want to try my best in breathing it all in.

"When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways."

--1 Corinthians 13:11

Peace,

C

Through the darkest of nights

Through the darkest of nights,

I see a faint-lit light.

Though the chains pull on me,

and cover my woolen sleeves,

I'm still in flight.

Helplessness with each step,

rummaging through the depths,

in this forest with demons and growing fear,

I only hope and pray I draw near.

Your mystery I can't attain,

I'm blackened, blue and painfully stained.

Misery draws me ever so close,

tinges my eyes with its allusive smoke,

In its company I am green,

I know not what my eyes have seen,

yet, sight is not always so promising, I fear.

Lift me away and out of here.

For I was not made for this place,

my head and heart are utterly displaced,

from this spinning cycle of profanity and drone,

of being absent, afraid, and alone.

My spirit before yours,

wanting to be closer

enough to melt,

enough to know,

enough to hope.

With each moment,

I'd give to bend and nearly break

to melt,

to know,

to hope something new may become.

<3

C

Strengthening

I am thinking about moving. It's an adjustment and change. It's newness and anxiousness. A wonderful older professor of mine expressed the the joys and perils of such a transition. Regardless, he said that such an experience will strengthen me emotionally, physically and musically.

I thought over this and anytime, one is strengthened, one is broken down. It's a process of breaking and rebuilding, a shift in perspective and calls for much patience in times when nothing comes through. These are all important aspects of "strengthening". However, in the end, one is stronger and better because of it. The old broken down and the new is rebuilt becoming even stronger and better lasting.

If all this for my voice, music and understanding to strengthen, then it's completely worth it all. Every bit of it.

Love,

C

Amazed

There are people are in my life whom I admire a great deal. From the outside glance, you see them as perfectly normal everyday people who smile and carry on just like anyone else. They never let up that they are feeling off or sick. Yet, they carry the weight of being sick. Many times they lack energy and wished they could just turn a switch off and the pain would leave.

They battle not only physical struggles but psychological ones as well and all the while never ever wanting to be a burden on anyone. They are never 100% ok and if the pain and sickness is at least halfway subsided then they consider that the best they've ever felt. Pain management.

I wish I could understand what they were going through though they would never wish others to have to experience what they are going through.

These people amaze me. They carry on and never want to be a burden to anyone. They try to be 'normal' like everyone else. I can't even begin to wrap my head about it. I'm just amazed. They are such beautiful people...beautiful, genuine, honest, transparent, abnormal, beautiful people. There's no other way to describe it. I love it.

xoxo,

C

PS picture from pinterest.com