Face value

Maria: I can't seem to stop singing wherever I am. And what's worse, I can't seem to stop saying things - anything and everything I think and feel.
Mother Abbess: Some people would call that honesty.
Maria: Oh, but it's terrible, Reverend Mother.

-Sound of Music



"I wished she'd never stop squeezing me. I wished I could spend the rest of my life as a child, being slightly crushed by someone who loved me."

-Ella Enchanted

"It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquillity: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it. Millions are condemned to a stiller doom than mine, and millions are in silent revolt against their lot....Women are supposed to be very calm generally: but women feel just as men feel..."

-Jane Eyre

"Iris: [to Jasper] I don't know, but I think what I've got is something slightly resembling... GUMPTION*!"
*Gumption is defined as shrewd or spirited initiative and resourcefulness.

-The Holiday


<3
C

Packed away doesn't mean lost

I like to listen to saved voicemails. It’s like unlocking the thoughts and emotions of someone frozen in time. I listened to a couple of them today in my car and just about died laughing. They all made me smile while others made me alittle sad. I had the lovely experience of being able to reflect. These are eye opening moments…when you are able to look back and muddle in that place-then look up to realize time has passed and the amazing part is, you have to.

Voicemail 1: A friend of mine was experiencing the same struggles as I was concerning boys. Phase one of break ups: the “getting over” part and let me tell you the most torturous. I have to admit I laughed in tears because her message brought me back to those days that I ashamedly admit still experience at times. Part of that phase that hits you hard is the attachment phase or rather detachment. Everything you shared with that particular person now makes you want to vomit because it reminds you of them and makes you miss them even more.

For example, "I can’t eat at Vegan places because he was considerate when we went out to eat and took me to places with Vegan options." As my friend so dearly put it, “should chicken suffer because I won’t allow myself to glance at the Vegan section?”. Or even more so, “I can’t listen to rap music because he hates raps music and I listened to rap music because it was the only genre of music that didn't make me think of him but yet still does. Fail.” Yeah that gets you too…even the things they abhor.

Voicemail 2: Same friend…”so I drove by his place today…only because it was on my route home and made me think about him”. Creeper mode….why? Because we want to know what is going on in their lives and how do you do that without them knowing because if they know, then that defeats the purpose because they aren't suppose to know because that isn't part of the detachment. How do you sever the connection of everything that you shared with them? How do you take it all back yet don’t wish that at all? How do you find yourself so torn between wanting them and wanting to be rid of them at the same time?

Voicemail 3: His voicemail. Yep, the one I didn’t delete. I know there are girls who need to delete that guy’s number and voicemails because it helps them to shy away from texting or contacting that guy for their own emotional guard. Completely understandable. Maybe I should do the same. However, I’ve just never been that girl. I usually keep everything for sentimental value so it’s not a surprise that I didn't delete it. So I decided to press play (it’s been a while since I have listened to it and yes, I did have most of the message memorized and yes, I hate to admit it but well, it’s frankly the truth). I listened and actually laughed. It made me alittle sad but all I could say was, “that guy…he is just something.” and it didn't hurt as much.

Voicemail 4: One of my closest friends was waiting at an airport and needed a friend to talk to and take her away from her anxious feelings about life. She was waiting for someone to land (literally and I would dare to say metaphorically). Further, she had frustrations on being unproductive with her thesis project. She’s come a long way in dealing with those two situations and might I say, I couldn’t have been more proud of how far she’s come. Her heart has moved on and embraced newer things and she owned that thesis project. I was proud. That made me smile.

These voicemails brought me back to emotions that I needed to awaken to. Whether they were pathetic, sad, happy or lonely, they happened. I guess if anything, moments like these are inevitable…pathetic ones where you wish no one in the world was watching, sad ones where you need a friend’s shoulder to soak the tears, happy ones where you want to grab the stranger next to you and give them a big hug, and lonely ones where you feel no one could possibly understand….these moments happen but remember dear friend, that you have that beautiful privilege of looking back because time moves forward and you eventually will. So I encourage you as much as myself to start moving.

Love,
C

Pantry be gone

The other day I was at a friend's house and they were talking about remodeling the kitchen.
They had seen this same kitchen for 9 years...the same paint, design, cabinet layout, countertops, flooring, curtains and all.
Everything is in its place...predictable and mundane.

As they were talking about the remodeling project, they discussed new cabinets, taking out cabinets to make new counter space, new curtains, countertops and flooring. It baffled me when they mentioned knocking out some cabinets to put something new there. I know this may seem trivial to you but this idea of removing something that had been in the same exact place for 9 years left me thinking. This cabinet sitting there in its same color day in day out and full of the same supplies... was going to be gone.

Of course I sort of sympathized with it. The cabinet had been part of that space for so long and now, its time was due.

My thoughts quickly left when they carried on about this new idea and that new color. The old and new...deconstructing and reconstructing. Life looks alot like that...constantly rebuilding. What I truly didn't grasp was the process of...the deconstructing part. It's something I never really contemplated. When they were pointing out the idea of knocking the cabinet out to make room for counter space, I realized that I never would have thought about knocking that cabinet out. To me, that cabinet has always been there and for some reason had permanent residence in my mind. Not that I was passionately decisive on its existence but in my head, if it's been there this whole time then it belongs there. I didn't even realize that there was option for it to go.

"There is a time for everything and a season for every activity under the heavens.
a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot."
--Ecc. 3:1-2

Alright, you must be thinking...alright C, really? You saw cabinets and heard remodeling and you had to get reflective about this? Well....yes I did. This is where I am at in life right now and when things happen in my life, I can't help but see the connect and wonder how they all relate to each other. I can't help but wonder where God is taking the myriad of things in my life.

That day and those cabinets made me realize that it's ok to tear down and rebuild again. Sometimes it's even necessary.
What you see currently doesn't have to be permanent. Those cabinets now have the potential to be newly painted alongside fresh curtains and beautiful flooring.

Even though deconstructing is scary, there is potential and new vision in store.

To remodeling!
C

PS Picture from http://www.picture-newsletter.com/

The future

Me: Life...plans...I keep trying and it feels like I am getting no where. What do I do?

J: "It’s like composing – if you know what you want the piece to become, then you won’t rest until you succeed in making it so, even if it takes a while..."


<3
C

Photo by: Bill at Comix Connection

Da capo

Consider this,
A drop from the sky.
Why we ponder why,
The make up of rain,
Why it must fall and drench our skin?
Why it doesn’t soak up in our skin yet the Earth
Boasts itself green in its drunken stupor.

And consider this,
A battle for peace,
A medal is a treat,
We salivate for.
No actions are done wholeheartedly without a goal,
or are they?

Consider this,
Promises made,
Warnings and people forbade
Us from testing the waters
And why is it we are to keep ourselves at bay?
Why are we convinced to stay
Right where we are.

Yet, one can’t help but consider.
Consider this reader, once more,
And kindly return to the top.

<3
C

Blake Caldwell Photo

Sing

Everyone Sang by Siegfried Sasson (English poet, author and soldier in WW1)

"Everyone suddenly burst out singing;
And I was filled with such delight.
As prisoned birds must find in freedom,
winging wildly across the white.
Orchards and dark-green fields; on; on; and out of sight.

Everyone's voice was suddenly lifted,
and beauty came like the setting sun.
My heart was shaken with tears; and horror drifted away...
O but every one was a bird; and the song was wordless;
the singing will never be done."

<3
C

Right

Hey friends,
my my my it's been awhile! How awful is that? I'm not going to lie. I feel as if I have kept distant from a dear friend of mine...that dear friend that takes the form of letters, words, phrases, emotion and feelings and slaps them onto a page, a journal, a napkin, a blog site. I further believe this friend has even been missing some melodies of mine too.

Apology: I don't usually make direct blogs to anyone but this is an exception.

Friend,

I'm sorry that I have let time and external situations get in the way of our relationship...of our honesty with one another. We have a grand partnership that consists of genuine expression where my thoughts find solace on a page even though questions are unanswered and seem to be going no where. You always are a place for me get it out and breathe.

Breathing is good...very good indeed. You know what? I think I've been walling myself up...you know...trying to cut right on the dotted lines along some picture that I think I am supposed to cut out. Who wants to cut out pictures already pre-drawn? How absolutely boring? My deepest apologies for I've been trying to make sure I do everything right...thinking the right thing, buying the right thing, singing the right things, eating the right things, praying the right things, loving the right things, hating the right things, writing the right things, phrasing the right things, righting the right things...right right right. I've been so preoccupied with that, that I've lost sight.

You are the dearest thing to my days and sanity. An angel with wings of ribbon, sequins and maybe some bells (wait does that weigh you down? oh you're an angel, you can pull off anything!) all colorful against your whiteness...that seems to carry me away when my arms are fatigued from travels.

I know there is no way to make it up to you but I'm going to pay more attention to you. I'm going to look less at myself and the dark black lines that I'm trying to cut some picture perfectly out of because in the end, it's not about that at all.

Yours truly,
C