Mistakes and burrs

My friend was recounting some stories today. Mainly his most recent one that involved climbing in a ditch to check to see if he put out his cigarette and as a result, finding his shorts, legs and shoes full of burrs. This image provoked the most outrageous laughter in me. It was fantastic. I know it must have been painful for him but still slightly amusing.

He had told me that when he was a kid, he went to the same ditch and fell flat on his stomach in there by taking a certain route to get to the bottom. So naturally now, he had learned his lesson and went a different route but I suppose burrs were unavoidable in any circumstance...they were just everywhere.

As he was telling me this story, my mind couldn't help but think, oh life. Life happens. When we are younger we make mistakes and as we grow up, we take different routes to avoid making the same mistakes and guess what happens, something else happens, the burrs of life. We don't make the same mistakes, new ones are bound to be made. No matter what or where, they will always be there and something else will always happen.

For now,
C

Heart peace

Conversation I had with my friend in email form:

Also, do I have a story for you. Oh how our lives are so similar. HA! goodness girl...don't know how my heart is...and funny that I just talked to you about being able to move on...I think I have but kind of like you...I have peace but don't feel peaceful. haha. oh how you rub off on me! awkwardness and all! neh..I think you and I just scream awkward all around.

How life is just...how God is just...how I'm just and how he is just...how him and I are just......well you know how that whole conversation plays out in your head when things happen and you just don't know exactly how to react....you just have the most intense puzzled look that falls on your face and you can't seem to shake it.



PS photo belongs to: Heart photo

Oreo cake balls

Alright, so I tried to make these delicious oreo cake balls this evening...I must say I had some rough moments. My dear friend M kindly shared her recipe with me and as I read over it, I thought, "surely, this must be THAT simple." I'm sure that it is for her. When she shows up at get togethers, she comes bearing lovely, perfectly smooth oreo cake balls. Yes, lovely, perfectly smooth is how I would describe those babies. Mine...err hmm...when I first started dipping the oreo balls into the melted coating, everything was working just fine...till the bark started to harden rather abruptly. Then my oreo balls looked liked they had been eaten and reproduced once again. I was struggling to make it work even though the coating was refusing to get on board with me. To sum up, it wasn't pretty.

I was frustrated to say the least. I had to step aside after some internal rage and ranting in order to collect myself. In my head, I had pictured these perfectly lovely smooth oreo cake balls before I even attempted to make them. I thought they are going to look like this. They are going to be great and M will be proud of me. I had great expectations.

After I collected myself, I went to melt another batch of coating. I calmly sat down and started over again and this new process was working and much more efficiently at that! Each oreo ball was looking better than the first! Unfortunately I ran out of the coating so I turned to some dark chocolate and decided to be creative and add peppermint to it. I am not sure the fate of those special ones but I had fun in making them up so we'll just see how it goes.

These past weeks I've thought a lot about embarking on this path of being a musician/artist. I've wondered why I haven't been able to crank new songs out of me, why some plans aren't falling through, why I'm still living where I am living...etc. I see others who are prominent artists now. I see people like Rebecca Black make it "big" on youtube. It seems that everyone can be popular in one second. Then I wonder why I am not there and why I can't get ahead. I have this expectation in my head to get recognized.

Is it really about getting signed? getting recognized? the fame?

Or more so, is it about the process of...the messing up, internal cursing, frustrations, having to take a step back and regain composure, thinking through any route and creatively picking up from there...

Then and finally then, as I was able to sit there and smile at my new desserts, I will be able to look back, smile and say what a ride!

However, you know this means one thing...I will probably have to recite this about 51000 times to myself each morning and each time I perform. Why 51000? It seemed more exaggerated than 50000...which is the point.

Love,
C

Gotta get in the zone.

Friends,
It's certainly been awhile hasn't it?! Don't worry I have not neglected you purposefully. Life just got in the way and separated me from you! It's funny though, I've had so many thoughts and ideas and am like "how in the world do I cram it all in one blog!". May was a busy busy month. I had my ups and downs.

Victories, as glorious as they are, can be the most fleeting when the downfalls come. Of course mom is there saying there are never any failures and I'm left thinking yeah sure. I was rejected at a singing competition and it was rough, I'm not going to lie. No one likes to be said no to and it's precisely at those moments, it is much easier to give it all up. However, something in me just won't let go...no matter how hard I tried.

On to a happier thought, my three voice students did superb at the UIL State solo and ensemble competition! So proud of them! 2 earned a silver and 1 a gold. I was so proud. I honestly believe I was more nervous than they were! It was the most wonderful thing, being able to walk through this entire process with them...getting in the dirt and grime of learning music and pushing them to go beyond their limits.

Those were the highs and lows that overtook my days and thoughts. The events just happened so fast and ran together, I didn't have too much time to think except just being in the zone. Sometimes I think that is the best thing for me...to not think...just be in the zone and go with it.

Now I'm back to the grime of everyday and of course it's Monday so I'm allowed to be alittle melodramatic, right? :) I think it's easy to come from the highs and victories and crash...you know? Where you find yourself questioning the quality of your happiness or progress based on your victories and downfalls. For the victories, ride those waves in, for the storms, push through to the eye of it, for the dull moments, just lay back on that surfboard and float along and maybe someone else is floating along too...have a chat with them to pass time by! Each of those moments have something incredible to offer even if it doesn't hit you right at first.

<3
C

PS Pic-Me and my voice students

The heart race

It's about a week before an important audition I have. I just recently competed in a local singing competition...aside from the tremendous amounts of adrenaline pumping through my veins and countless moments of doubt that invade my mind, I feel like I gained alot and am better prepared for this upcoming week!

This week, little things have been popping out at me: sights, what people say, songs, dances, quotes. It's as if suddenly you were in danger and every sense you have is on high alert and you notice everything. This is how it's been for me this past week...not the "in danger" part but the high sense alert to everything. Maybe it's my anxiousness for the next week...my own audition as well as my voice students. It's alot in one week but I feel well prepared for this. I believe the one thing I have been encouraging my students is: to be themselves. I tell them that they have a responsibility to give the music something special/different. Mainly that means being themselves not a copy cat of others...yes it's very gushy and prime PBS commercial material but crazy enough, it's true!

Even crazier, I believe this is the one goal I need to focus on for myself. Most of the time, I stand in the background. I feel as if I am being arrogant if I step up to the spotlight and sing something. I am not sure why I feel this way but I always have.

She quietly opens the door into the sanctuary. It's dark but pools of light seep through the stained glass windows on the sides. The ceiling is tall and no one is present. Darkness still hovers over the sanctuary as if it is asleep. She steps ever so lightly into the area nearing the pulpit feeling as if someone will catch her at any moment. She wasn't even sure what she would say. It's so quiet. She tried to breathe even quieter. For about 5 minutes she stood there contemplating...

"Alright I could sing for alittle bit. What if someone hears? Wouldn't that be the strangest thing? Wouldn't it be silly? How ridiculous would I look? Who does this? I mean, I must seem like a creepy person hanging out in the sanctuary. Goodness it's about 10 minutes now that I am still lost in though and the longer I wait to utter any sound, the more likely someone is going to pop through those doors. What do I sing? How loud?

Maybe just a little sound...*singing* I shocked myself. That was my voice and what if someone heard. I can't believe that was just me. Nothing else. That felt weird. I did kind of like it...however, I almost scared myself. Then I sang some more. Oh Casie just give it up and sing. So I stood there and sang for a little bit. Who does this I wonder? Who would do this? Am I crazy for doing this? Why am I still so hesitant?

Places we go to find sacredness, happiness, peace...how willing are we to expose them to others? I think that place I go to when I sing or make music is one of those places for me. It's a beautiful space that gives shape and meaning to the emotions and joy I feel. My heart races every time I go there but then again, that's where true life happens...something real, honest, spiritual, heartbreaking, painful, hopeful...that's where I begin.

Love,
C

PS Picture taken from: Stained glass at Vatican in Rome, Italy, St Peters Cathedral

Only you

I’ve always loved trees. They’re wonderful for climbing, resting, and/or napping in a hammock on a blissful Sunday afternoon.

“Mom, how tall can a tree grow?”
“It can grow for a long time,” she responded.
The child pondered a bit more…”Really? A tree can grow forever?”
"I suppose, dear." she replied.

“As it ages, the roots start to bury deeper into the ground.” She continued.
“Well I guess you have to water it a lot then?” questioned the child.

“No, the roots settle deep enough to gather it’s own supply of water in the ground…in fact, it’s when it is begins growing that you have to water it often because the roots are not deep enough to gather their own supply.” she answered.

It’s interesting how trees grow and keep growing…in fact you never know when it stops until years and years later when you can check out the rings on it or however they discover tree age. It remains such a mystery.

Where do they draw their supply from?
What about us?
What about our supply source?

My voice student talked about her recent epiphany about running track again. It had been her passion for so long. She took a year off because everyone kept pressuring her to pursue it professionally. They kept predicting her life for her and telling her that she was wasting her talents with quitting.

You know, I feel this is the same for faith. A constant pressuring of “you’re wasting your time falling out like this, you’re wrong and I’m right, if only you believed this then your life would be better, why don’t you understand, this is a serious mistake you are making.” See these things don’t communicate an understanding whatsoever. Similar to my student’s reaction to people’s responses to her decision in regards to quitting track, the human heart completely shuts off to such thoughts.

After a year, she had time to think over it, thoughts of running had been on her mind for a long time and she made the decision to do track again...on her own. She did realize however that a year off set her back physically but it did not set her passion back at all. In fact, it increased it. Her heart and mind are straight on the path again. Plain and simple, she wants it.

I couldn’t help but think about faith in terms like this. It starts as a want, a desire. Not the actions, people telling you what to do, the script of going to religious services and being super involved, doing the “right” thing…it’s easy to miss this point.

It’s a heart/mind desire and I believe this to be one of the greatest things God’s given man—the ability to have such passions and be moved by them where it affects you entire life, your actions, your outlook.

Have you thought much about your passion lately?
Your source?
Your supply?

Are one of those trees still growing or in desperate need to water supply? No one knows if you are still growing or not…only you do. Think about it.

Still growing,
C

P.S. Picture from Sulis

On my way

Dear friends,
I wonder what it'd be like to watch a movie that portrayed the common place things we do everyday...
the routines, the same parking space our cars occupy, the same faces, the same sayings and conversations, the embarrassing tripping over our own two feet that we hope no one saw, the Monday mornings...you know so well how it all goes. So much of life is this, the practical everyday things we have to do. Not so interesting is it? What happened to all the tragedy, heartache, drama, Grey's Anatomy soundtrack playing overhead, lovesickness, confusion and of course the final happy resolution (according to American films)?

I have no clue...however I'll tell you about my drive to work this morning...
It's about a 20 minute commute to work on a highway where I first pass lots of shops and a car lot. I spot the cop hiding out in the bushes and feel at ease with my speed limit since I've gotten so used to taking that route my foot naturally rests on 60-62ish. Then I veer left for my route.

Lately, there have been many wildfires about in these areas so I've witnessed lots of blackened terrain. It's sad really. It seems so spoiled and there is absolutely nothing you can do with it. However, on my drive today I noticed just after some rain we've had, splotches of green taking over those areas and it made me smile. How quickly a terribly looking area can become hopeful again.

I'm trekking on and pass exit 7. At this point, there is a slight hill that I pass and I overlook a huge field...I can't even see the end of it. It's golden as ever at this time. I have no idea what it is...I just think wheat or something. Whatever the case, it's an impeccable sight and every time I come near this exit I forget what troublesome thoughts are on my mind and just gaze.

I drive on and then eventually come to my exit and then work.

It's not the most exiting blockbuster filled adventure ever I'll admit, but that's life...you know, the everyday kinds of things. Regardless of any circumstance, always look around and gaze for a second. You'll laugh and forget the thought and then something else common will happen, you'll laugh and forget the thought once more and everyday begins again and again.

<3
C