Through the darkest of nights

Through the darkest of nights,

I see a faint-lit light.

Though the chains pull on me,

and cover my woolen sleeves,

I'm still in flight.

Helplessness with each step,

rummaging through the depths,

in this forest with demons and growing fear,

I only hope and pray I draw near.

Your mystery I can't attain,

I'm blackened, blue and painfully stained.

Misery draws me ever so close,

tinges my eyes with its allusive smoke,

In its company I am green,

I know not what my eyes have seen,

yet, sight is not always so promising, I fear.

Lift me away and out of here.

For I was not made for this place,

my head and heart are utterly displaced,

from this spinning cycle of profanity and drone,

of being absent, afraid, and alone.

My spirit before yours,

wanting to be closer

enough to melt,

enough to know,

enough to hope.

With each moment,

I'd give to bend and nearly break

to melt,

to know,

to hope something new may become.

<3

C

Strengthening

I am thinking about moving. It's an adjustment and change. It's newness and anxiousness. A wonderful older professor of mine expressed the the joys and perils of such a transition. Regardless, he said that such an experience will strengthen me emotionally, physically and musically.

I thought over this and anytime, one is strengthened, one is broken down. It's a process of breaking and rebuilding, a shift in perspective and calls for much patience in times when nothing comes through. These are all important aspects of "strengthening". However, in the end, one is stronger and better because of it. The old broken down and the new is rebuilt becoming even stronger and better lasting.

If all this for my voice, music and understanding to strengthen, then it's completely worth it all. Every bit of it.

Love,

C

Amazed

There are people are in my life whom I admire a great deal. From the outside glance, you see them as perfectly normal everyday people who smile and carry on just like anyone else. They never let up that they are feeling off or sick. Yet, they carry the weight of being sick. Many times they lack energy and wished they could just turn a switch off and the pain would leave.

They battle not only physical struggles but psychological ones as well and all the while never ever wanting to be a burden on anyone. They are never 100% ok and if the pain and sickness is at least halfway subsided then they consider that the best they've ever felt. Pain management.

I wish I could understand what they were going through though they would never wish others to have to experience what they are going through.

These people amaze me. They carry on and never want to be a burden to anyone. They try to be 'normal' like everyone else. I can't even begin to wrap my head about it. I'm just amazed. They are such beautiful people...beautiful, genuine, honest, transparent, abnormal, beautiful people. There's no other way to describe it. I love it.

xoxo,

C

PS picture from pinterest.com

"It's that time of year..."

As you get older, sometimes Christmas time starts to lose its sparkle.

It's like your eyes start to see the: multitude of cars in the lanes, busy people, longer lines, longer lists of gifts, less money in your pocket, disgruntled family members, broken relationships, time running out, and so forth.

It's like your ears start to hear the: horns blaring, grumbling footsteps, impatient sighs, tissue paper crinkling, change spilling on to the counter, yelling, lack of conversation, tick tock tick tock...

Sights, sense, smell, surreal

Expectations that make us peel

our skins to what's underneath.

We want it to be real,

the sights, sense, smell, surreal,

and somehow it's all lost.

The layers continue to grow,

taking even longer as we age,

to disrobe the rinds.

I look around to see in hopes of

something like beauty, a

sound, a warm touch, a stream of winter's cold air.

I can't seem to feel it in my bones,

the layers keep me from feeling at home.

I think this Christmas is different for me this year. The hustle and bustle has made me realize so many things about myself. How I long for a wonderful cheery Christmas yet seem so easily upset when plans don't go my way or when the line is too long or when people don't fall into my list of what is right/wrong or when time is racing and I feel like I'm going 5 mph. It seem as if Christmas illuminates the truly good and truly ugly. It's when family pressures increase, money is an put on the spot, time is split between family and friends that we see right through those "happy and jolly" spirits. I'm not sure whether this thought is hopeful or completely depressing. I do wish for you moments...moments when you take a seat and breathe in the air.

Silence fills my mind in moments,

if only for those moments, I may

find solace and layers melt away.

I will want to feel again.

<3

C

Tire shop, squeals, and Mozart

While I was sitting in a tire shop waiting for my car to be done I decided to finish up a book I'd been reading. Were there excited squeals coming from my corner? Yes...A chuckle or two? Perhaps? Sighs of relief? You betcha. Nothing like reading a book you completely relate to.

"The story goes that a young, aspiring composer cornered Mozart and demanded to know, "How should I learn the art of composition?"

Mozart answered, "Don't compose a thing until you have studied the great works carefully, until you have understood the methods of the masters. Wait until you are ready, and then and only then, you may try your hand at composing," The student looked shocked and disappointed, said, "But Maestro, certainly you did not proceed in that way." Mozart answered, "I never asked such a question either."

Those who want to compose usually shoot first and ask questions later."

-Bruce Adolphe, Of Mozart, Parrots and Cherry Blossoms in the Wind

Now I certainly do not in any way compare myself to the likes of Mozart! ha! I do however, feel the same type of spark he must have felt when he had the urge to bring music to form. People ask me how I write songs, compose melodies for voice and instrument even ones I've never played. I don't guarantee they are by any means adequate parts or even appropriate for the instrument(s) and if they aren't, I discuss with my player, we negotiate, move on and I learn yet another tool for my writing. :) I just love it all...words, music, and ideas. They come about and something in me stirs to get them written down. It's just how it is...like eating, breathing, and sleeping. It keeps me alive.

<3

C

-

Soak up

These past few days I've been working on my Christmas EP as well as a music video to promote it. These are new frontiers for me and I've been soaking it up and learning gobs and gobs of information. It's been incredible. I completely respect those sound engineers and videographers for all they do. It's an incredibly tedious, creative and detailed job that requires an enormous amount of patience.

It's been a great time getting to be in "their worlds" and see how they view things. I absolutely love it. I probably won't banking on this EP and these people aren't famous or anything but they see the creative world of music in a different way than I do. That's quite enough for me to amazed and grateful, for I am able to understand and see music in a different way. That's the best thing.

Onward to music making and hoping to make it to Christmas this year with restful and joyful spirits. It's a good time for it friends.

Love,

C

PS--> EP will be available for free download on Monday, December 19, 2011!!!!!!!

Photo by: Torin Halsey

Just one day.

My parents went to a Christmas party tonight.

I went to finish up mixing my Christmas EP.

My parents had the best time playing the white elephant gift exchange game at the party. I had a blast learning how to mix a CD, mess with different effects, and create different sounds at the studio.

I remember growing up going to Christmas parties where the white elephant gift exchange was a must for Christmas games. My parents would always hear about it yet never participated in it.

For some reason, it was just neat to me that they got to enjoy themselves and play this silly little game while I got to embark on what might possibly be a long term music career for me. It's like my parents got to have some fun tonight. Things have been rough with them but I'm not one to write a blog complaining about my life.

I'm just taking one day at a time. All I know is tonight we all laughed in whatever we did and had a good time. Just one day. One day at a time.

On to tomorrow,

C